10 Things That I Have Never Done Until I Had A Baby

mamasVIB | V. I. BABYBRAIN: 10 Things That I Have Never Done Until I Had A Baby…, V. I. BABYBRAIN: 10 Things That I Have Never Done Until I Had A Baby...
Pict: KeepCalm-o-matic

1Self help-ing at the Supermarket
This is: 1) Taking something of the shelf 2) bypassing trolley/basket 3) handing to a screaming tot 4) ahh.. peace! Case in point was one afternoon when I popped in for a few essentials (you know milk, bread, cake…) and Miss Marnie was screaming so loud that before she could empty the aisle and the knowing glances I had whipped out a squeezey fromage frais and shoved it in her mouth. I did of course confess my sins at the checkout and the girl just smiled and seemedcompletely unfazed by my actions! Clearly I am not the first to do this….

2. Using clothes as washcloths 
I have never, ever to my knowledge (I can’t account for my much, much, younger self) ever wiped my nose on my sleeve or wiped greasy hands down my jeans or used my T-shirt as a face wipe.That is until Miss Marnie has a runny nose to end all runny noses! Of course, I use her sleeve but in extreme emergencies I will use mine and just try not to obsess about it! (Ok, I obsess!)

3. Wearing clothes for far too long
I have worn many an item (jeans, cardigan, T-shirt) one more time than I really should have. As a teenager I had to wear clean clothes Every. Single. Day.  this drove my mum  mad. But, now I will happily wear a pair of jeans all week. Is that bad? Aside from poo explosions, sick-up or as per mentioned snot wipes – I figure if it looks clean and smells ok you can probably rock it for another wear. When you are climbing over soft play toys or sitting on cold church/library floors the last thing I want to do is dress up in my ‘best jeans’ ha ha….like I ever have a best now!

4. Being mean to other kids
Ok, this is not strictly true I would NEVER be mean to another kid. But, if any kid thinks it’s alright to point, poke, slap or push my little bub then they are going to get a mean little stare from me or failing that a ‘that’s not very nice, now is it?’ a bit louder and over acted than usual to ensure their mama hears.  Cause, lets face it she’s usually the one who is chatting in that large group over in the corner not watching her kid. I have become like a lioness with her lion cub and its scares me sometimes that my ‘mean mama stares’ aren’t always going to be enough.

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5. Using biscuits as a bribe
Who knew the humble rich tea biscuit could win hands down. Tears – rich tea. Peace and quiet – rich tea. Eat your dinner and then you can have – yes, a rich tea. Biscuits are my downfall and now it seems they are my friend for the very first time. * Please Note: I don’t give them to Miss Marnie all the time – I don’t want to wear out their ‘superpowers’ – they’re in a break-in-case of emergency tin.

6. Shoplifting
Now hear me out I am not saying we shoplift – I would never do that! But, Miss Marnie and I have done it on a few occasions – unknowingly! It started when we popped in a well-know baby shop and Miss Marnie was screaming so I handed her a small rattle type toy to shake. It kept her quiet, I continued to shop, I paid and we left. Except we hadn’t paid for the rattle as it had dropped between her pushchair and her foot muff.  It wasn’t until we got home that I found the evidence and felt awful. It was when it happened for a second time (this time in a well know ‘everything’ store) but, this time it was just a small pot of cake sprinkles (it was found later than night in the basket under her pushchair!) When Mr VIB starting calling us Bonnie & Clyde – then I knew I just had to let her cry and stop giving her ‘aids’ to shh her – other, than in the supermarket you understand.

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7. Rocking nightwear as daywear
And, I don’t mean those sexy silky PJ bottoms with heels! I know the walk from front door to nursery is no catwalk – and I’m definitely more relaxed about my dressing since becoming a mother. But, walking the streets in pyjamas! I have only done this in the morning when its technically still dark and I have on a long coat and boots – but still I would never of gone to the local shop without some lippy on let alone in my nightclothes! I won’t even mention whether or not I’m wearing a bra…

8. Crazy Coupon Clipping
I have never collected, clipped and collated in a special purse so many coupons since I’ve had a baby. Maybe it’s because you get sent so bloody many from nappy, baby food and Boots parenting club that you feel it’s a waste to just throw them out (and those darn print outs from supermarkets price matching!) I guess when you go on maternity leave every penny counts – although it’s besides the point I have saved £1 on a pack of Pampers and then spend £30 on Little Bird at Mothercare! The turning point came when I was wandering around Boots with several coupons and an armload of things I didn’t really need and Mr VIB reminded me one of his work colleagues who sited ‘wives coupon clipping’ as a reason for their divorce!

9. Speed Dressing
I can get washed, dressed and out the door in less than 20 minutes (Mr VIB may contest this!) but, he’s not around in the day when we have to get to nursery, various toddler groups or to the train station faster than it takes Miss Marnie to have trashed her room after the tenth cleanup of the morning. I may have used far too much dry shampoo, have on yesterday’s clothes and be minus the war paint which leads me nicely too…

10. Making-up on the fly
Other than the odd concealer cover up or slick of lipstick I have NEVER put on a full face of make-up on public transport. The thought of foundation etc. on your hands and then touching the morning paper, communal handrails/escalators sends me into OCD panic overdrive. But, now I have a baby I have no worries about slapping on some slap on the bus, train, in the car, back of a taxi…. Because, there’s always a wet wipe to clean up any mess. To be fair I do apply my tinted moisturiser or BB cream before I leave the house – so, it’s more of a full touch-up rather than a full face. But, still I have mastered perfect mascara application on the Route 151 more times than I care to let on.

 Is there anything you had never done until you had a baby? Please do tell…


  1. April 1, 2014 / 10:07 pm

    I think I can relate to all of the above and add in 'eaten food that's been in someone else's mouth'. It has been known for a child of mine to be eating something and spin it out into my hand. What do you do with it when you're in someone's car? On the bus? In a shop? I'm ashamed to say on more than one occasion I've popped it in and swallowed…:-/

    • April 2, 2014 / 6:47 am

      Ha ha … I haven't done that – yet! But, she has started to 'shove' her half eaten food in my mouth!! Whats that all about?

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